Good Night, Nacho Cheese–Flavored Prince
It recently came to our attention that former TJRA employee and beloved orange corn chip pioneer, Arch West, has crossed the veil. Goddamn cruel Lady Fate, goddamn her! In honor of him and his legacy, we offer for all employees this obituary, to be read 14 times please.
Arch West, the Frito-Lay executive credited with inventing Doritos died last week at the age of 97. West came up with the idea for the popular snack in 1964, when he stopped for a bag of greasy tortilla ships at roadside shack in Southern California and quickly realized that American civilization was rotting from the inside out, its complacent, morally repugnant citizenry nothing more than wanton husks of fear and desire, clamoring for any pleasurable sensation, no matter how fleeting, to stave off the approaching stench of death, disappointment, and futility and Doritos were born. Frito-Lay started selling the chips two years later with the Spanish-sounding name “Doritos.” A TV commercial at the time called them “a swinging, Latin kind of snack, except not all sweaty, and they won’t get drunk on tequila and rape your wife.” Of course much has changed since then, and today, Doritos are sold in 24 countries, have twice been elected to the US Senate, figure prominently in six major religions, and have only been involved in a handful of rapes.
The inventor of Doritos was born in 1918 to Scottish immigrants in Indianapolis, which at that time was known as Constantinople. Although he died when West was still a boy, West always credited his father with instilling a strong sense of working hard and mindlessly stuffing unhealthy, triangle-shaped bullshit into your mouth. West discovered masturbation at the age of 12. After serving in the Pacific in World War II, West returned to the US to work as a traveling cheese salesman, but found that his spiel of launching into racist, anti-Jap tirades while biting into a big hunk of Vermont cheddar could only take him so far, and he joined the Frito Company in 1960. A year later, the firm merged with H.W. Lay Company in an orgiastic dual-aspect pagan binding ritual in which the CEOs of both companies mixed their life essences together in an urn and forced everyone to drink it, and West became a key member of the Marketing Department. After a brief but intense homosexual encounter in Texas several years later, he came up with the Cool Ranch Flavor.
West was convicted of murder in 1971 after a series of slayings in the Dallas area in which the victims were found with orange dust all over their throats and mutilated genitals. He was released six months later after agreeing to name a Doritos flavor after the presiding judge.
Other flavors spearheaded by West include:
Blazin’ Buffalo and Ranch
Blazin’ Jalapeno
Blazin’ Ass-Blastin’ Pepper
Blazin’ Quail Egg & Veal
Overwhelmin’ Chili & Sour Cream
Zesty Hopelessness
Frozen Pizza
Cool Ranch 3D
Spicy Something
Just Ostrich
136-Cheese
248-Cheese
Lame Ranch
Hot ‘N’ Tangy 4ggH^9_
Fiery Pencil Shavings
Cool Ranch IV: The Taste of Revenge
Sizzlin’ Isosceles
and Spicy Arch West Ashes.
Arch West is survived by four children, 12 grandchildren, and entire generation of obese, listless Americans.
