Good Night, Nacho Cheese–Flavored Prince

September 30th, 2011
To: all@therandazzo.com
From: TheVeneratedOnes@therandazzo.com
RE: Impermanence
-

It recently came to our attention that former TJRA employee and beloved orange corn chip pioneer, Arch West, has crossed the veil. Goddamn cruel Lady Fate, goddamn her! In honor of him and his legacy, we offer for all employees this obituary, to be read 14 times please.

Arch West, the Frito-Lay executive credited with inventing Doritos died last week at the age of 97. West came up with the idea for the popular snack in 1964, when he stopped for a bag of greasy tortilla ships at roadside shack in Southern California and quickly realized that American civilization was rotting from the inside out, its complacent, morally repugnant citizenry nothing more than wanton husks of fear and desire, clamoring for any pleasurable sensation, no matter how fleeting, to stave off the approaching stench of death, disappointment, and futility and Doritos were born. Frito-Lay started selling the chips two years later with the Spanish-sounding name “Doritos.” A TV commercial at the time called them “a swinging, Latin kind of snack, except not all sweaty, and they won’t get drunk on tequila and rape your wife.” Of course much has changed since then, and today, Doritos are sold in 24 countries, have twice been elected to the US Senate, figure prominently in six major religions, and have only been involved in a handful of rapes.

Nacho-Cheese-Doritos-Bag-Small

The inventor of Doritos was born in 1918 to Scottish immigrants in Indianapolis, which at that time was known as Constantinople. Although he died when West was still a boy, West always credited his father with instilling a strong sense of working hard and mindlessly stuffing unhealthy, triangle-shaped bullshit into your mouth. West discovered masturbation at the age of 12. After serving in the Pacific in World War II, West returned to the US to work as a traveling cheese salesman, but found that his spiel of launching into racist, anti-Jap tirades while biting into a big hunk of Vermont cheddar could only take him so far, and he joined the Frito Company in 1960. A year later, the firm merged with H.W. Lay Company in an orgiastic dual-aspect pagan binding ritual in which the CEOs of both companies mixed their life essences together in an urn and forced everyone to drink it, and West became a key member of the Marketing Department. After a brief but intense homosexual encounter in Texas several years later, he came up with the Cool Ranch Flavor.

West was convicted of murder in 1971 after a series of slayings in the Dallas area in which the victims were found with orange dust all over their throats and mutilated genitals. He was released six months later after agreeing to name a Doritos flavor after the presiding judge.

Other flavors spearheaded by West include:

Blazin’ Buffalo and Ranch

Blazin’ Jalapeno

Blazin’ Ass-Blastin’ Pepper

Blazin’ Quail Egg & Veal

Overwhelmin’ Chili & Sour Cream

Zesty Hopelessness

Frozen Pizza

Cool Ranch 3D

Spicy Something

Just Ostrich

136-Cheese

248-Cheese

Lame Ranch

Hot ‘N’ Tangy 4ggH^9_

Fiery Pencil Shavings

Cool Ranch IV: The Taste of Revenge

Sizzlin’ Isosceles

and Spicy Arch West Ashes.

Arch West is survived by four children, 12 grandchildren, and entire generation of obese, listless Americans.

admin Official TJRA Communications

Book Club

May 6th, 2010
From: Samantha in HR
To: all@therandazzo.com
Re: Ye Olde Book O’The Month Club

Thanks to everyone who participated in this month’s TJRA Book Club: the monthly club dedicated to the appreciation and understanding of books for TJRA employees.

Overall, TJRA Book Club was a great success! Despite a few setbacks, we had a ton of fun discussing The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, by foreign author Stieg Larsson. Many different themes from the book were discussed and we all enjoyed the home-made lemon bars that Sheila from Derivatives brought in. (Thanks, Sheila. We’ll miss you.) Talk about yummy in our tummys! We all love brain food (the book we read and discussed) but food for our stomachs, tongues, and mouths is even better!

The high point of the evening was definitely when Dave in Natal Care successfully resuscitated Stu from Magnification & Alignment with that crazy chest-punching thing. That sure was a close call, and we all breathed a sigh of relief when Stu coughed up that black bile-looking substance and “rejoined the living” as they say. Let’s just say Dave earned his extra lemon bars this time!

We’d love to get more people to come to the next TJRA Book Club when we’ll be discussing Expression Wash, Stain And Scan User Manual For Cartridge Arrays by Dr. Jerome Masowicz! Especially since a few of this month’s attendees won’t be able to make it next time, due to the unfortunate incident with the lemon bars and the acid and the termites and the hypodermic needles and the German fellow and the kiln. And the strobe light and the collapsed ceiling. And the other German fellow and the chemical fire and the race riot and the vortex and the lemon bars. So come on down to HR today and sign up for Book Club if you’re not attending one of the funerals being held in the Main Lobby. Because “TJRA READS!”

RIP

Alan in Liquefication Services; Bill in Liquefication Services; Bill in Marketing; Bill in Sales; Bill in Symbiotics; Darlene in Information Technology; John in Infrastructure, Security, and Life-Termination; Juan in Infraestructura, Seguridad, y Vida-Terminación; Karl in Strategic Projects and Bullshit; Melanie in Sales; Mike in the Executive Cafeteria; Nils in Genomics; Ron in Sales; Skullcrusher in Daycare; Tom in Sales; and Tammy in Tammy’s Department.

See you next month!

admin From the Human Resources Dept., Official TJRA Communications

Ultra-Casual Friday

March 3rd, 2010
To: all@therandazzo.com
From: Samantha in HR
RE: Ultra-Casual Friday :)

Hi everyone, and happy St. Snakeberg’s Day!

Just wanted to give a quick update on a new policy called “Ultra-Casual Friday” that will go into effect tomorrow. Turns out, some people weren’t totally satisfied with the original Casual Friday policy—despite the fact that the mandatory wool Hawaiian shirts, while warm, were undeniably casual—or with the second iteration of Casual Friday—”giving us smily [sic] face buttons but making us work until 11:30 p.m. is NOT casual” wrote one grumpy TJRA employee!—nor were they happy with the third, fourth, fifth, sixth through twelfth, and twenty-second attempts at a Casual Friday policy intended to please everyone yet not desecrate anyone’s religion. Welp, we aren’t perfect, but we’ll keep trying! To that end, we offer to you the final, and best, Casual Friday policy yet: Ultra-Casual Friday.

It promises to be more casual than any Casual Friday you’ve ever seen! And it’s mandatory, so pay attention.

Here’s how it breaks down by department:

• Those in Accounting, Sales, and Egret Services must wear casual pants and a casual, button-down shirt of their choice.

• Those in Plastics, Radiation, and the Lava Room must wear a fun & colorful lead-lined Gore Tex vacuum-sealed protective body suit.

• Those in Janitorial may not observe Ultra-Casual Friday

• Those in Human Resources, Human Capital, Human Resourcefulness, and Human Prey must wear 1 non-suit or non-dress pair of pants, and 1 black or red T-shirt depicting the Tazmanian Devil surfing of their choice.

• Those in Archiving must wear a series loose-fitting blouses, tunics, or togas of their choice.

• Those in Reclamations must wear playful and fun body paint in a color of their choice.

• Those in Finance must wear one gold TJRA amulet around their bronze, supple necks—like a warrior prince gliding majestically across the fertile plains of Orissa, his muscles taut, his eyes penetrating as the eyes of the tiger, of his prey, on a hunt in the fading orange light of dusk; a whisper in the wind, a crack, and then his knife at the beast’s throat; the beast’s teeth at his; two killers locked in an intimate dance for life itself; the eternal pulsing, pulsing through their veins in snychronicity until: sharpness, darkness, a low groan that’s heard but timeless, warm blood spilling onto his naked body as the beast goes limp—of their choice and nothing else.

• Those in Animation & Pornographic Services must completely shave their heads and all body hair and wear fun, casual sandals.

• Those in Product Development must expose one internal organ of choice.

• Those in Degradation Development are encouraged to wear a beach-themed shirt over their skeletons.

• Those in Initiatives & Counterinitiatives will be summarily murdered in a manner of their choice.*

That’s it, everyone! See you all on Ultra-Casual Friday and don’t forget to bring a coconut for the coconut swallowing contest.

*Must involve a sword and/or axe.

admin Official TJRA Communications

A Letter From Santa

December 23rd, 2009

Many years ago, at a truck stop outside Tulsa, I had the pleasure of meeting Santa Claus. Since then, we’ve kept in regular contact and, through a number of business dealings, have even grown to be friends. And he wanted me to do whatever I can about something that greatly troubles him: Those grumpy grinches who refuse to celebrate Christmas, the Jewish people.

Here now is a plea from my friend, Santa Claus. Please read it and spread its important message—before it’s too late.

Santa-TJRA

Dear Jewish people of the world,

Ho Ho Ho.

Oh, let me explain: This is what I say to children and adults come Christmastime to spread cheer during my favorite time of the year: Christmas. Ho ho ho. But I’m writing so that my friend, Mr. Joe Randazzo, can maybe help convince you all to celebrate Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year.

Just the other day, Mrs. Claus and I were eating cookies and talking about snow, when we heard a knock on the door. It was a small Jewish boy named Joshua and he was very cold. You see, we live on the North Pole, and the temperature there never gets above 11 degrees Fahrenheit—that’s a method used to measure temperature. In Europe they use Celsius. I know this because every year I fly all over the world bringing toys to boys and girls everywhere but two places: Israel and the Upperwest Side of Manhattan. Anyway, this young boy was so cold and so scared and he had walked all the way to the North Pole to come see me because he wanted to meet me and Mrs. Claus and all the elves in my workshop. Elves are kind of like miniature people—you would call them ‘midgets’—who help me make toys for everyone but the Jewish people. I told him he was a little early for Christmas and he started crying. You see, he didn’t celebrate Christmas because he is Jewish. When he was born, his parents cut of the tip of his penis and now he can’t put out cookies and milk for me, Santa Claus, like all the rest of his friends. His story broke my heart. And my heart breaks more and more every year when I look at the big old list and don’t see one Greenberg or Epstein, Silver, Gold, or Weinbaum.

Won’t you make me happy and celebrate Christmas, Jewish people? Won’t you let me observe your children from afar all year long, keeping track of every ethical transgression, no matter how small, and tabulating them in my extensive spreadsheet? Won’t you let me land my giant sleigh of eight massive Arctic mammals on your roof so I can come through your chimney and enter your home as you sleep? As your children—those innocent, supple young children—sleep and dream? Dream of125px-Star_of_David.svg me? Won’t you let me, O Jewish people, place wrapped gifts under the half-living plant you’ve placed in the corner of your living room? Let me walk around your home, in the dark, in my big black boots, sitting on your furniture, drinking from your glasswear, hovering over your children’s porcelain little faces? Their chests heaving so gently up and down with each breath? Won’t you let me into your home to give you presents and stand in the hallway of your home, staring at your family photos in silence? For hours on end? Thoughtless, expressionless, motionless, for hours, in your home in the middle of the night? Doesn’t that sound like a good way to spend the holiday season?

Think about it. I will be waiting.

Santa

admin Message From The CEO, Official TJRA Communications

VIDEO: Come On Back To TJRA!

December 21st, 2009

The Joe Randazzo Association is back, and here’s our latest advertisement video promo to prove it.

Come On Back To TJRA! from Joe Randazzo on Vimeo.

admin Official TJRA Communications

Good Words/Bad Words

December 16th, 2009

Hello all.

As you know, in the world there are good words and there are bad words. The former should be spoken as often as possible, the latter never uttered at all. Though this has been made clear to everyone at TJRA on many, many occasions—from the orientation orgy to the biweekly invisible memos—it seems some of you have confused them and continue to speak Bad Words in and around TJRA properties. To make sure that there is no more uncertainty whatsoever, Jerry in Aural Services has compiled the definitive list of TJRA Good Words and Bad Words. Please read carefully and obey.

Good Words

  1. Steak
  2. TJRA
  3. “Howdy-do”
  4. Loyalty
  5. Maximize
  6. Maximizing
  7. Maximization
  8. Maximized
  9. Dollop
  10. Strategy
  11. Honorificabilitudinitatibus
  12. Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism
  13. Chimera
  14. Bacos*
  15. O
  16. Great
  17. Leader
  18. Consume
  19. Me
  20. Crudité
  21. Romantic
  22. Flog
  23. Golf
  24. Ofgl
  25. Hamburgeriffic
  26. Eros
  27. Lather
  28. Taut
  29. Glistening
  30. Opportunalities
  31. Functionalisms
  32. Profitunities
  33. Pork
  34. Orb
  35. Yes

Bad Words

  1. No
  2. Help
  3. Stop
  4. Failure
  5. Minimize
  6. Minimizing
  7. Minimization
  8. Minimized
  9. Karl
  10. Jugs
  11. Boobs
  12. Boobies
  13. Ya-Yas
  14. Jingle-Jangles
  15. Cans
  16. Badoinkies
  17. Double-Barreled-Milk-Rockets
  18. Honkers
  19. Norks
  20. Pistons
  21. Sex-Bags
  22. Hooters
  23. Wilsons
  24. Winnebagos
  25. Failure

As you can see, the lists are quite simple and straightforward. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. If you have any comments, questions, or concerns, die.

* “Bac’n Bits” would also be acceptable if it were one word.

admin Official TJRA Communications

Thanksgiving Thoughts This Thanksgiving

November 25th, 2009

To: all@therandazzo.com
From: Samantha in HR
Re: A Very Special Turkey Day!!!

Hi, all.

This Thanksgiving, let’s take a few minutes to give thanks and on what Thanksgiving means at TJRA.

First of all, and speaking of “giving thanks,” TJRA CEO Joe Randazzo would like to thank those of you who stayed late this week in order to close the DeChavelier account with one complimentary slice of pizza! Just come on by the HR Office where we will give you the address to the Redemption Center where you can go to pick up your voucher which will provide you with the promo code to use when you download the PDF application which you should print, fill out, and send away to TJRA Promotions for some complimentary razor blade–free pizza (pepperoni only), as our way of saying “Thanks.” You earned it.

The pilgrims and the Indians are proud of you today.

TJRA-TurkeyDay

Here are a few other things some of our very own TJRA employees are thankful for:

1) I’m thankful the Feds believed us when we said we didn’t know our breakfast cereal was 72% medical waste. (Michael C.)

2) I’m thankful the unemployment rate is so high. I really get the best negotiating stance with day laborers. (Anthony P.)

3) Thankful to my Bosses who are great & good. (Ita B.)

4) Solid poops (Allie C.)

5) Thanks to the bees who took a chance on TJRA’s line of casual footwear. Great for gathering pollen or just buzzing around the hive. (Rob G.)

And now, some special words from Roger in Liquefication Services to all of us about what Thanksgiving means to him:

This year, there was much to be thankful for: I married a beautiful woman, got promoted to Assistant Team Leader, finally completed the manuscript for my novel, “The Rain Game,” and, just a couple weeks ago, found out we were pregnant. Things only got better when I learned that a distant relative—a reclusive Czech duke—had willed his Bavarian castle to his closest kin, which happened to be me! And, by sheer happenstance, I met my longtime hero, Tom Selleck, during Red Lobster’s Lobsterfest last month. So many good blessings befell me and so happy and content have I been for the first time in my life that I foolishly let my guard down before last week’s brutal home invasion. You see, Kim and I were out celebrating my novel and I  must have forgotten to lock the side door—how else could those men have been patiently waiting for us, dressed all in black, sitting at the kitchen table holding long, shiny butcher knives when we got back? It was my fault. It’s my fault my family is gone. Anyway, I’m thankful that they didn’t make Kim suffer too much, though slowly burning each page of my treasured book before my very eyes as I screamed for mercy seemed a bit cruel, as was killing our dogs, Benny and Blockhead. The experience, to be sure, was from Hell itself, a nightmare unleashed. To think that those things that seemed so important just a few days ago are now but a wound more painful than the multiple cigarette burns all over my chest and back: a Bavarian castle? a promotion? Tom Fucking Selleck? These are hollow. There’s nothing for me anymore. Nothing at all but the blackness that awaits. The void into which I soon depart, where the pain can go away. None of you, with your turkey cut-outs and your cubicles, know what life is, and your ignorance sickens me. Soon, I won’t have to smell it anymore, your ignorant, acrid filth. And for that, I am thankful. It would have been a boy. Good-bye.

And we’re thankful you took the time to write such a thoughtful—if a bit illegible!—note. You should all take a page out of Roger’s book and think about what Thanksgiving is really about. See you all tomorrow! (GOBBLE GOBBLE!)

admin From the Human Resources Dept., Official TJRA Communications

Twister!

November 22nd, 2009

Hello, everyone!

Guess what: TJRA has finally joined the 21st Century and started an account on Twister.com, the 140-word social network websight that is sweeping the nation—and the world.

images

Now you’ll be able to keep up to date with the latest happenings, protocols, updates, schedule changes, lunch menus, potential office shootings, deals, counter-deals, the time, promotions, disciplinary actions, screenings, systematic purges, birthdays, acquisitions, and bulletins as they happen in real time! No more wondering, worrying, or fretting!

Just go to twister.com and look up “TJRA” or follow us here: http://twitter.com/tjra

Your life could depend on it (and your job definitely does).

admin Official TJRA Communications

Employee Satisfaction Questionnaire

October 10th, 2009

As we near the end of 2009—a truly historic year for TJRA, in which our incredible triumphs were accented by a small number of brutal stabbings—it is time to take a closer look at the men and women who make our company great. All year, you’ve endured ups, downs, financial hardship, and some fairly mediocre egg salad sandwiches. Well, now it’s your turn. Tell us what you think with the 2009 TJRA Employee Satisfaction Questionnaire, which you can find here.

Picture 2

Just download the document, save it to your encrypted TJRA folder, print, fill it out with a fortified-ink TJRA 00-3J standard pen, scan the document, rename it with “[your initials]-TJRA,” and email it to joe@therandazzo.com.

Have fun, be honest, and thanks. We can’t wait to see what you fucking people think.

admin Official TJRA Communications

Times Are Tough

October 4th, 2009

To: all@therandazzo.com
From: Samantha in HR
RE: Message From the CEO!

Guys, some of you may be wondering why your health insurance was canceled or who the tall men in black suits walking around affixing large “X” stickers to some of your chests are. Well, our CEO Joe Randazzo has written a little inspirational and informational note to explain everything. (If you came in today to find that you don’t have a computer or a desk, feel free to stop by my office to read it.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t have to tell you that times are tough. Just look around, day in and day out, in every walk of life, and you’ll see that the times are tough. And when times are tough, the tough know it’s time to hunker down, tighten their belts, pick themselves up by their bootstraps, and get going.

Because these are tough times.

And tough times call for tough measures. Sales are down, unemployment is up, and innovation is stagnant. But we will persevere. But it won’t be easy. But no one said it would be easy and the reality is, at the end of the day, times are tough. Not easy. Tough.

TJRA-$

Not any company can lose $313 million through terrible insect footwear investment strategies—not to mention an estimated 13,421 pending class-action lawsuits on every major continent and one Jovian moon—and bounce right back. Not every company can see its entire East Asian branch swallowed into the Earth during a cataclysmic event that may or may not have been caused by an experimental cobalt-ionization ray for future use in an underground black-arts proxy war for control of Cambodia’s buried mystic temples and make out all right. But not every company is TJRA. We are TJRA.

So here is our plan: We’re going to get tough. We’re going to rise to the occasion. We’re going to hit the ground running and come out on top. We’ll be as tough as the times we live in. Which are tough.

Most of you are fired.

So let’s buck up, suck it up, put up or shut up, do it on the up and up, and keep our chins up, because surf’s up and things are looking up, and we can’t give up because it’s time to man up and, remember, we don’t shut up we grow up, and when we look at our competition we throw up, and then their moms come around the corner and lick it up.

Thank you. Times are tough.

admin Message From The CEO, Official TJRA Communications