The Joe Randazzo Association

Thanks to everyone who participated in this month’s TJRA Book Club: the monthly club dedicated to the appreciation and understanding of books for TJRA employees.

Overall, TJRA Book Club was a great success! Despite a few setbacks, we had a ton of fun discussing The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, by foreign author Stieg Larsson. Many different themes from the book were discussed and we all enjoyed the home-made lemon bars that Sheila from Derivatives brought in. (Thanks, Sheila. We’ll miss you.) Talk about yummy in our tummys! We all love brain food (the book we read and discussed) but food for our stomachs, tongues, and mouths is even better!

The high point of the evening was definitely when Dave in Natal Care successfully resuscitated Stu from Magnification & Alignment with that crazy chest-punching thing. That sure was a close call, and we all breathed a sigh of relief when Stu coughed up that black bile-looking substance and “rejoined the living” as they say. Let’s just say Dave earned his extra lemon bars this time!

We’d love to get more people to come to the next TJRA Book Club when we’ll be discussing Expression Wash, Stain And Scan User Manual For Cartridge Arrays by Dr. Jerome Masowicz! Especially since a few of this month’s attendees won’t be able to make it next time, due to the unfortunate incident with the lemon bars and the acid and the termites and the hypodermic needles and the German fellow and the kiln. And the strobe light and the collapsed ceiling. And the other German fellow and the chemical fire and the race riot and the vortex and the lemon bars. So come on down to HR today and sign up for Book Club if you’re not attending one of the funerals being held in the Main Lobby. Because “TJRA READS!”

RIP

Alan in Liquefication Services; Bill in Liquefication Services; Bill in Marketing; Bill in Sales; Bill in Symbiotics; Darlene in Information Technology; John in Infrastructure, Security, and Life-Termination; Juan in Infraestructura, Seguridad, y Vida-Terminación; Karl in Strategic Projects and Bullshit; Melanie in Sales; Mike in the Executive Cafeteria; Nils in Genomics; Ron in Sales; Skullcrusher in Daycare; Tom in Sales; and Tammy in Tammy’s Department.

See you next month!

admin From the Human Resources Dept., Official TJRA Communications

To: all@therandazzo.com
From: Samantha in HR
Re: A Very Special Turkey Day!!!

Hi, all.

This Thanksgiving, let’s take a few minutes to give thanks and on what Thanksgiving means at TJRA.

First of all, and speaking of “giving thanks,” TJRA CEO Joe Randazzo would like to thank those of you who stayed late this week in order to close the DeChavelier account with one complimentary slice of pizza! Just come on by the HR Office where we will give you the address to the Redemption Center where you can go to pick up your voucher which will provide you with the promo code to use when you download the PDF application which you should print, fill out, and send away to TJRA Promotions for some complimentary razor blade–free pizza (pepperoni only), as our way of saying “Thanks.” You earned it.

The pilgrims and the Indians are proud of you today.

Here are a few other things some of our very own TJRA employees are thankful for:

1) I’m thankful the Feds believed us when we said we didn’t know our breakfast cereal was 72% medical waste. (Michael C.)

2) I’m thankful the unemployment rate is so high. I really get the best negotiating stance with day laborers. (Anthony P.)

3) Thankful to my Bosses who are great & good. (Ita B.)

4) Solid poops (Allie C.)

5) Thanks to the bees who took a chance on TJRA’s line of casual footwear. Great for gathering pollen or just buzzing around the hive. (Rob G.)

And now, some special words from Roger in Liquefication Services to all of us about what Thanksgiving means to him:

This year, there was much to be thankful for: I married a beautiful woman, got promoted to Assistant Team Leader, finally completed the manuscript for my novel, “The Rain Game,” and, just a couple weeks ago, found out we were pregnant. Things only got better when I learned that a distant relative—a reclusive Czech duke—had willed his Bavarian castle to his closest kin, which happened to be me! And, by sheer happenstance, I met my longtime hero, Tom Selleck, during Red Lobster’s Lobsterfest last month. So many good blessings befell me and so happy and content have I been for the first time in my life that I foolishly let my guard down before last week’s brutal home invasion. You see, Kim and I were out celebrating my novel and I  must have forgotten to lock the side door—how else could those men have been patiently waiting for us, dressed all in black, sitting at the kitchen table holding long, shiny butcher knives when we got back? It was my fault. It’s my fault my family is gone. Anyway, I’m thankful that they didn’t make Kim suffer too much, though slowly burning each page of my treasured book before my very eyes as I screamed for mercy seemed a bit cruel, as was killing our dogs, Benny and Blockhead. The experience, to be sure, was from Hell itself, a nightmare unleashed. To think that those things that seemed so important just a few days ago are now but a wound more painful than the multiple cigarette burns all over my chest and back: a Bavarian castle? a promotion? Tom Fucking Selleck? These are hollow. There’s nothing for me anymore. Nothing at all but the blackness that awaits. The void into which I soon depart, where the pain can go away. None of you, with your turkey cut-outs and your cubicles, know what life is, and your ignorance sickens me. Soon, I won’t have to smell it anymore, your ignorant, acrid filth. And for that, I am thankful. It would have been a boy. Good-bye.

And we’re thankful you took the time to write such a thoughtful—if a bit illegible!—note. You should all take a page out of Roger’s book and think about what Thanksgiving is really about. See you all tomorrow! (GOBBLE GOBBLE!)

admin From the Human Resources Dept., Official TJRA Communications

Hi guys, it’s Samantha in Human Resources, and I just wanted to remind all of you—that means all of you—that some day each of us will die.

It could be a peaceful death in our sleep or it could be a violent stabbed-with-shards-of-ceramic death. It could be cancer or it could be AIDS or it could be progeria or it could be that weird one that turns people into trees.

You could die from heat exhaustion or carbon monoxide poisoning or a bear.

Maybe even a serial killer/killers.

Every single person will stop breathing and thinking at some point. Every one of you. Your heart will stop, the blood will stop, the air will stop, and you will die. No exceptions.

So the next time you want to complain about the air conditioner not working or the lights going out in the stairwell or the cost of dental insurance or the wild falcons in Accounting or sexual harassment or racial harassment or the lack of ventilation or the new policy toward speaking to one another or the new chef or the old chef or anything else pertaining to your time here at TJRA, remember: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. It is a certainty.

Do you really want to nit-pick over every little thing? Is that how you want to spend what limited time you have to sing and learn and love before staring into the eternal suffocation that is the abyss of nothingness?

I didn’t think so.

Thanks,

Samantha

admin From the Human Resources Dept.

Hello all. It’s Samantha in HR’s time of the month to update us on the comings, goings, ups, downs, slips, falls, failures, triumphs, jokes, jibes, and happenings here at TJRA.

To: all@therandazzo.com
From: Samantha in HR
Re: Monthly TJRA Newsletter!!!

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Well! If another month hasn’t come and gone! Seems like just yesterday it was May, and here we are at the END OF JULY! It’s like, “Hello? Where did June and July go?” Makes you think about how incredibly impermanent all of life is, and that the very perception of time can determine its shape, thus determining reality itself! But enough blabbering on: Let’s get to the meat (of the newsletter)!

• July was a big month for big life events here at TJRA. David Grossman from Acquisitions acquired himself a bride in the form of Deb Lee (oops, I mean, Grossman!) from the Couch Department. Congratulations, David and Deb! You couldn’t make a better pair. And I think all our hearts are warmed to see two mildly autistic people overcome their chunky complexions and weirdo counting habits to find love in the strangest of places. Deb and David are honeymooning in Cancun, where I’m sure the consummation ceremony will be lovely in its own way!

• Batter up! Remember Jim O’Connell in Accounting? Well, his son, Jesse, paid his father’s memory the ultimate tribute by striking out 11 batters at the state little league championships last week! I’m sure Jim (Dad!) is up there smiling, despite Jesse’s own poor base-running skills, which ultimately cost his team the title. (They lost 8-7.)

• Jim O’Connell passed away on July 12th or 13th.

• There’s a new Asian employee working in Human Resources! Let’s all help welcome him in usual TJRA style. And, please, no slurs, even in a joking way. At TJRA, we pride ourselves on fostering an environment of safety and comfort, and I won’t have my new assistant feeling ill at ease.

• The winner of our annual TJRA Jelly Bean Counting Contest is… (drum roll… drum roll… PAUSE! drum roll… drum roll… drum roll…) … TJRA CEO Joe Randazzo! He may not have gotten the number exactly right (1,231) but he was close enough (39)! This is Mr. Randazzo’s third straight year as Jelly Bean King. (I smell something fishy—I mean, watermellony!!!)

• It’s a boooooy! Florencio Barton from the Executive Cafeteria is pleased to announce the birth of his sixth son, Climax. The bouncing baby boy came in at 18 lbs 2 oz and 31 inches. I’ve seen the photos and they are so precious: full head of hair, beautiful spiraling fingernails, and a working set of tooth-like structures. Good job, Florencio. Now get back behind that salad bar!

• A “little birdie told me” that the feral hawks that have been flying around the office these past couple months have almost completely stopped “poking their beaks” in the Maternity Ward! It seems they’ve migrated on over to the Accounts Receivable office, where they’ve established quite the viciously guarded nest and revamped the department’s entire cost structure, saving TJRA more than $430,000 in Q2-09. That’s a number you can’t “flap your wings at!”

• You asked for it, you got it: The results of TJRA’s Favorite Numbers poll are in! 3, 43, 4, 987, 1/2, 3.6, 5, 7, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 632, 0, .01, B, 17, 41, 8, 3 again, and 3 again. Happy counting! Stay tuned next month for TJRA’s Favorite Letters poll!

• Congratulations to Mr. Kur-Laang (Hawk 3), who was promoted to Vice President of Accounts Receivable!

WELP, that about wraps it all up in a nice little bow for this month’s Monthly TJRA Newsletter! I have nothing else to say, bye.

admin From the Human Resources Dept.

Well, it’s that time of year again: mid-to-late June. Yes, the one time of year when TJRA’s closet scribes and “famed men of letters” alike take out their trusty pens, sharpen their trusty nibs, dip the pens in inky ink, and set pencil to paper to compose their “coups de grace“: That’s right, the 10th annual TJRA poetry contest!

This year’s theme is ‘TJRA GREATNESS IN GOODS AND SERVICES.”

"Greatness In the Afternoon (Ode to TJRA)"

The rules are simple: Just capture the greatness of TJRA, Inc. in a beautiful, heartfelt, spirit-altering poem of 500 words or less. You can write about anything regarding the greatness of TJRA’s goods and services, provided it’s poetic and true! The competition is open to all employees, and submissions are due Monday June 22 at 6:00 pm Eastern.

Just send your “masterpieces” to joe@therandazzo.com. TJRA CEO Joe Randazzo will be judging them himself!

Come on, show us what you got (poetry-wise)!

To get your “creative juices” flowing, here’s last year’s winning entry, “Greatness In the Afternoon (Ode To TJRA)”

The Joe Randazzo Association
Is known for excellent goods and services across the nation,
Be they products that serve an important need
Or services, thou dost know, that are very good indeed.

What would America do without
This major corporation whose employees are devout?
So dedicated are they all to the TJRA mission statement
That nary wouldst thou find dissatisfaction without abatement.

TJRA, TJRA, standing large and metallic and tall
You embody this good, and that great, and wonderful all.
How I wish I could touch you, so pure and well-suited to today’s business environment!
O, how thine art shining, TJRA, with grace, profit, and refinement!

Yes, TJRA is a business like no other,
Bringing much joy and laughter, and throwing dissatisfaction asunder.
TJRA, you beautiful cloven beast,
Tear out mine eyes, heart, ears—and feast!

—Joe Randazzo, June, 2008

admin From the Human Resources Dept.

Hello TJRAers! Check out this email from Lance in Metrics. He’s organizing a trip to TGIFridays tonight!

—

I was thinking that today is Friday, and I was thinking Thank God It’s Friday, or TGIF, and then I was thinking about the restaurant TGIFriday’s which is a play on the term and I thought that maybe we could all go out for some dinner and maybe a couple of drinks tonight to unwind and everything after a very long week, and what place would be better to THANK GOD IT IS FRIDAY then AT TGIFriday’s, was my basic thinking, and the next thing you know I’m writing this email. We can carpool if we need to, Brian has a van that can fit about nine people if he cleans out all the old newspapers and knives and takes the naked-lady photos off the walls, so that’s nine right there and I can fit probably three in my Tercel, so that’s already 12 RIGHT THERE, not counting me and Brian so 14. Do you think anyone would want to come, I’m getting the guys from Metrics to come: Brian, as I mentioned and Bill wants to come and Brien can’t come and Beverly is staying late but says if we go she’ll come by later so the more people we can get to come the more likely Beverly will be to come, ultimately, though the decision is up to her and we can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, TGIFRiday’s has drink specials on Friday night which are pretty good deals actually, I know, and because of the economy a lot of people are tightening their belts, so this seems like a pretty good way to spend some time with coworkers at a price that’s not going to break the bank. I think they actually make some quality burgers and sandwiches though I’ve never been impressed with their fries, but people don’t even HAVE TO EAT, they can just drink. And so 14, and then if you add Lou, if we can get him to come, he has a car and so does Mandy, though I guess hers is actually a Jeep, and it’s not weird for a woman to drive a Jeep, like my father used to think (Army guy, very strict) but is actually pretty sexy, I think, but again we’re skirting a weird line here where I would never want to make Mandy uncomfortable even though she has magnificent breasts and seems to actually enjoy it when people stare at her, and if we get there by 5:30 we’ll beat the dinner rush for sure, except that I know the high school kids go there sometimes in big groups, as Brian told me, they usually get there sometime after school, usually around 4:30, and they stay for approximately 135 minutes and then drive up Rancho Drive onto Washington Street before getting on I-44 toward the Laksehore Drive Exit and then Brian usually wimps out and doesn’t follow them any longer. Alison Robb is the high school student’s name but the bigger issue is then how do we get everyone hoe afterward because I intend to get pretty drunk (TGIF!) and drive anyway, but I live very close by to TGIFriday’s and wouldn’t want anyone else in the car with me if I’m going to be driving while intoxicatd so maybe we have to pick out a designated driver or maybe we can just call cabs or maybe people can just drink responsibly and figure out their own way home and maybe Mandy’s breasts or perhaps people could just all walk together or maybe the whole idea is a bad idea in the first place.

Just let me know what you think.

Lance

admin From the Human Resources Dept.

Happy Monday, hungry hungry TJRA hippos!!!! Take a look at the scrumptious and nutrumptious offerings from Chef Ang this week!!!!:

MONDAY: Filet mignon cooked to perfection with fresh fruits and vegetables from the TJRA garden. A selection of juices.

TUESDAY: Deep-fried quail eggs in a Balsamic brown-sugar reduction, served on a bed of organic Peruvian arugula with a side of heirloom tomato and goat-cheese puree. Chef’s salad. Diet ginger ale.

WEDNESDAY: Seventy-three cubes of rare Kobe beef slathered in Chef Ang’s famous electric pigs’ blood sauce, with a side of cylindrical squid meat. Cabernet Sauvignon, milk, and cookies.

THURSDAY: A translucent pocket of undulating chicken embryos hovering over a hearty helping of trans-dimensional angel-hair pasta, with a side of fortified silver shavings and powdered sugar. A thimble of hallucinogenic Ancient Egyptian honey wine. Hair.

FRIDAY: Pepperoni pizza.

YUMMY! Don’t forget to stick around Tuesday night after work, when Chef Ang demonstrates how to butcher a nurse shark, with FREE nurse shark burgers!!!

Your HR Rep, Samantha

PS. !!!!!

admin From the Human Resources Dept.

Please read this important email from Samantha in HR.

Everyone,

It is with a heavy heart that I bring you the incredibly tragic news of Gina’s death. She passed away last night in the Phookie’s parking lot. One minute she was stumbling toward her PT Cruiser singing “We Built This City (On Rock & Roll),” and the next she was on the pavement, dead. Lifeless and dead.

Gina’s dead, you guys. I know. I was there.

The doctors say it was alcohol poisoning, which is surprising because she really only had six or seven pomegranatinis, and she usually has WAY more. It was her birthday, you guys. And she’s DEAD. Oh, my God, what if it wasn’t alcohol poisoning? What if she was killed by that serial killer? The one who’s been killing club-going women lately? He’s killed about 12 women so far, and police say his hunger is only growing. Why are people such CREEPS!

God, Gina, WE MISS YOU.

At times like this you think SO MUCH about how PRECIOUS and FLEETING life really is. So unbelievably fleeting. Gina was in her prime. She just bought some really great Capri pants that she thought looked cheezy on her but everyone, including me, told her they looked totally great and she finally got them and they did. They looked really, really great on her. Her future was so bright! She was almost finished with that graphic design class she was taking. She finally dumped Luke. She had her HPV under control, and she was kicking ASS at her job. (I think we all remember how much ass she kicked on the DeChevalier account. She kicked ass on it.) Why do things like this happen? Why does God take fucking GINA away from us all when there are troops dying in Iraq every day? Couldn’t someone else have died? Why wasn’t it a terrorist who got alcohol poisoning and puked all over himself before falling down and hitting his head on a broken Smirnoff Ice bottle, dying?

I feel responsible. Oh my God, I feel responsible. I killed Gina. When she came over before going out, all I had at home was like two Lean Pockets and she didn’t even eat them because she hates the ham and cheese ones. Then I kept encouraging her to take shots at Phookie’s on an empty stomach. I killed her. I killed my best friend. GINA, I’M SORRY! Even if you were really pretty bitchy the whole day and I know you told everyone that Todd fingered me at Phookie’s last week. Even though you always take stuff I like and tell everyone you like it more. Even though you wore Capri pants. I am sorry.

I’m never going to get over this.

We need someone to maintain Gina’s facebook page. We should take down all the slutty pics of her (of which there are about 200, seriously) and replace them with photos of how we want to remember Gina: Laughing, smiling, at Phookie’s before getting totally wasted and going home with a Mexican guy. Hiking. In her PT Cruiser on the day she got it—the day her father BOUGHT IT for her, actually, but that’s not important. If anyone wants to volunteer for this, come see me, because I figured out her password a while back.

And we should totally all have drinks at Phookie’s on Thursday in her honor. The funeral is Thursday, too, I think. I’ll send another email about that later.

Goodbye GINA! We will all miss you so very much.

Also: Ralph is dead and Sheila is dead, too. Actually might have been the serial killer who killed Sheila because she had that weird symbol carved in her forehead. Ralph was like 85. And Miranda is probably going to die soon, as well. (Cancer, and it’s pretty bad.)

Thank you,

-Samantha in HR.

admin From the Human Resources Dept.