Minutes
The information contained in this memo is confidential and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the shadow officers named herein who secretly control TJRA, Inc, its subsidiaries and branches. Any disclosure, copying, distribution or any action taken or omitted to be taken in reliance on it, is prohibited under the laws of Satan and of the United States of America.
[Begin minutes, Convocation of the Board of TJRA Shadow Directors, 29 April 2009]
JR: Thank you all for coming, and thank you especially to Lord Hadron for bringing his famous lemon bars. Scrumptuous, to be sure. If there be no objection, I hereby call this meeting to order and on to the first matter of business. Yes, Lord Perris, do you wish to say something?
LP: I, too, wish to personally thank Lord Hadron for his generous gift of lemon bars, and let me say that so long as I’ve known him—from those heady days in Kuala Lumpur to the desecration of Beirut in 1962—he has been a masterful cook and baker.
JR: Thank you, Lord Perris, I am sure we all agree on that point. Now to the first matter of business, an update on prototype A, the metasonic device. Initial testing in Mumbai and Cleveland has been extremely successful with localized vestibular bleeding and a trance ratio of nine. Nearly all subjects were compliant. This, of course, bests even our most liberal projections, and it’s fair to say that the device will be deployed in limited markets in time to correspond with—
LH: Sea salt.
JR: Lord Hadron, you may take the floor.
LH: Secret ingredient is sea salt. Brings out the tanginess. Fifty years and I’ve never told anyone that, but there you are. Sea salt.
JR: Lord Hadron, what a generous admission. Now, as to deployment and calibration of the metasonic device, our Schematics Department believes that children will be most susceptible—
LP: I could eat them all day. They are a delight, Lord Hadron. An absolute delight. I could really eat them all day.
JR: —to the aural zombification which, if implemented carefully, will assure a market share of—
LH: And may I say the same about your blondies! With the walnuts and honey? Forget it. Out of this world, Lord Perris.
JR: —upwards of 28 percent in the first quarter alone. Gentlemen, would anyone else like to come up and get some of these lemon bars before we continue?
LP: I also brought blondies, but, I must admit, I was too nervous to put them out. Shall I put them out now?
JR: Please, yes. Fine.
[Approx. 49 minutes elapse]
LH: … of course, I didn’t even know they made left-handed whisks back then. You can imagine how it opened my whole world.
JR: Attention. Attention, please. Let’s call the meeting back to order. Attention. Settle down everyone.
LP: Well, I think you’re a natural. You should start your own website. Put up recipes, photos, the whole thing
LH: Oh, oh, well (laughing) I could never. No, no. Very kind of you.
LP: I’m serious!
LH. Psssh.
JR: Gentlemen, please! We have 19 more items on the agenda and we’ve not even gotten to the leveraging of Belgium. Now, if you please. Let us move on to the matter of the small uprising among those assembly line workers outside Caracas.
LH: Murder them all.
LP: Firebomb the entire outfit. Like in Luchan.
LH: Slit the children’s throats and throw them in the river.
LP: Do not stop until the land belches death and sulfur.
LH: Let a few live and cut off their hands and tongues. Carve the sign of the beast in their chests.
LP: Their scars a constant reminder of those who control them.
LH: The nightmare of memory must be burned into them across the generations.
JR: All in favor, say aye. And opposed?
[The vote is 21 - 1]
JR: The motion passes with one against. Madame Draconis, did you not get a lemon bar?
MD: No.
LH: Oh, Madame, I’m so sorry. You should have said something!
JR: Please see to it that Madam Draconis gets a lemon bar.
LP: Here, here, take one of mine. They’re absolutely to die for!
LH: Goodness me, speak up next time. Of course you may have a lemon bar.
MD: Thank you. It’s quite good.
JR: Meeting adjourned.
[End of minutes]