The Joe Randazzo Association

Dear TJRA team,

As many of you know, the Joe Randazzo Association has recently extended its strong line of consumer goods and services into the insect apparel market, and the results have been extraordinary! Insects, the most popular form of life on planet earth, has been an untapped market for hundreds of years. They are smart, they are organized, and they represent some $66 billion in annual spending power if you include mucous and mucous byproducts. TJRA saw that, and we acted: In the first quarter of 2009 alone, we researched, developed, and manufactured more than 1.5 trillion pairs of UV-Protection sunglasses for moths; 575 million Classy Ties for the Discerning Caterpillar; and nearly 6 billion condoms for Asian slut beetles. Next month, we’ll be unveiling our new line of L’il Larva insect baby clothes, and by early January, we’ll have completed prototypes for portable MP3 players, pocket books, prescription monocles, guns, long underwear, skateboards, thorax warmers, and bicycles, all aimed at this incredibly diverse demographic, the insect.

One new product, however, has been a colossal disappointment: Shoes for bees. Our research seemed to indicate that the world’s bee population would be hungry to spend its hard-earned honey on sensible but stylish and affordable footwear. Despite the fact that bees—widely considered by scientists* to be the most fashion-conscious of insects—have six feet, sales have been moribund at best.

We have sold zero pairs of shoes to bees.

So I come to you today to ask for your help. Do you know any bees? Do you think they’d be interested in some shoes? If so, why not make a personal plea for them to consider our extensive line of boots, high heels, and loafers? Word of mouth is still the best form of advertising (yes, even for bees!) so an endorsement coming from someone the bees know and trust will mean that much more. If you have any hesitation, you’re all invited to come on down to our bee shoe showroom to try them on for yourself. You’ll immediately see that their comfort, reliability, and flight performance is second to none in the bee-shoe industry. Heck, you might bring home a few pairs for yourself!

So take a minute this week to write an email to some of your bee friends or invite them over for drinks and let them know that the new TJRA shoes for bees might be for them, if they are a bee. Better yet, invite them to our special open house for bees next Friday, in which we’ll gather as many bees as we can in one very small room in hopes of reducing this inventory of bee shoes. I’ve already arranged for 10,000 Apis mallifera scutellata from Lesotho to be there, and we’ll have music, dancing, face painting, lots of randomly flashing lights and abrupt sounds, and a raffle. It’s sure to be a success!

Thanks in advance for your help. Remember, the shoes come in sizes 0.00000004 – 0.0000012. Together, we can sell a fucking shit-ton of shoes to some bees.

Yours,

Jim

*people who professionally do science

admin Official TJRA Communications