Thanksgiving Thoughts This Thanksgiving
From: Samantha in HR
Re: A Very Special Turkey Day!!!
This Thanksgiving, let’s take a few minutes to give thanks and on what Thanksgiving means at TJRA.
First of all, and speaking of “giving thanks,” TJRA CEO Joe Randazzo would like to thank those of you who stayed late this week in order to close the DeChavelier account with one complimentary slice of pizza! Just come on by the HR Office where we will give you the address to the Redemption Center where you can go to pick up your voucher which will provide you with the promo code to use when you download the PDF application which you should print, fill out, and send away to TJRA Promotions for some complimentary razor blade–free pizza (pepperoni only), as our way of saying “Thanks.” You earned it.
The pilgrims and the Indians are proud of you today.
Here are a few other things some of our very own TJRA employees are thankful for:
1) I’m thankful the Feds believed us when we said we didn’t know our breakfast cereal was 72% medical waste. (Michael C.)
2) I’m thankful the unemployment rate is so high. I really get the best negotiating stance with day laborers. (Anthony P.)
3) Thankful to my Bosses who are great & good. (Ita B.)
4) Solid poops (Allie C.)
5) Thanks to the bees who took a chance on TJRA’s line of casual footwear. Great for gathering pollen or just buzzing around the hive. (Rob G.)
And now, some special words from Roger in Liquefication Services to all of us about what Thanksgiving means to him:
This year, there was much to be thankful for: I married a beautiful woman, got promoted to Assistant Team Leader, finally completed the manuscript for my novel, “The Rain Game,” and, just a couple weeks ago, found out we were pregnant. Things only got better when I learned that a distant relative—a reclusive Czech duke—had willed his Bavarian castle to his closest kin, which happened to be me! And, by sheer happenstance, I met my longtime hero, Tom Selleck, during Red Lobster’s Lobsterfest last month. So many good blessings befell me and so happy and content have I been for the first time in my life that I foolishly let my guard down before last week’s brutal home invasion. You see, Kim and I were out celebrating my novel and I must have forgotten to lock the side door—how else could those men have been patiently waiting for us, dressed all in black, sitting at the kitchen table holding long, shiny butcher knives when we got back? It was my fault. It’s my fault my family is gone. Anyway, I’m thankful that they didn’t make Kim suffer too much, though slowly burning each page of my treasured book before my very eyes as I screamed for mercy seemed a bit cruel, as was killing our dogs, Benny and Blockhead. The experience, to be sure, was from Hell itself, a nightmare unleashed. To think that those things that seemed so important just a few days ago are now but a wound more painful than the multiple cigarette burns all over my chest and back: a Bavarian castle? a promotion? Tom Fucking Selleck? These are hollow. There’s nothing for me anymore. Nothing at all but the blackness that awaits. The void into which I soon depart, where the pain can go away. None of you, with your turkey cut-outs and your cubicles, know what life is, and your ignorance sickens me. Soon, I won’t have to smell it anymore, your ignorant, acrid filth. And for that, I am thankful. It would have been a boy. Good-bye.
And we’re thankful you took the time to write such a thoughtful—if a bit illegible!—note. You should all take a page out of Roger’s book and think about what Thanksgiving is really about. See you all tomorrow! (GOBBLE GOBBLE!)