Hi everyone, and happy St. Snakeberg’s Day!
Just wanted to give a quick update on a new policy called “Ultra-Casual Friday” that will go into effect tomorrow. Turns out, some people weren’t totally satisfied with the original Casual Friday policy—despite the fact that the mandatory wool Hawaiian shirts, while warm, were undeniably casual—or with the second iteration of Casual Friday—”giving us smily [sic] face buttons but making us work until 11:30 p.m. is NOT casual” wrote one grumpy TJRA employee!—nor were they happy with the third, fourth, fifth, sixth through twelfth, and twenty-second attempts at a Casual Friday policy intended to please everyone yet not desecrate anyone’s religion. Welp, we aren’t perfect, but we’ll keep trying! To that end, we offer to you the final, and best, Casual Friday policy yet: Ultra-Casual Friday.
It promises to be more casual than any Casual Friday you’ve ever seen! And it’s mandatory, so pay attention.
Here’s how it breaks down by department:
• Those in Accounting, Sales, and Egret Services must wear casual pants and a casual, button-down shirt of their choice.
• Those in Plastics, Radiation, and the Lava Room must wear a fun & colorful lead-lined Gore Tex vacuum-sealed protective body suit.
• Those in Janitorial may not observe Ultra-Casual Friday
• Those in Human Resources, Human Capital, Human Resourcefulness, and Human Prey must wear 1 non-suit or non-dress pair of pants, and 1 black or red T-shirt depicting the Tazmanian Devil surfing of their choice.
• Those in Archiving must wear a series loose-fitting blouses, tunics, or togas of their choice.
• Those in Reclamations must wear playful and fun body paint in a color of their choice.
• Those in Finance must wear one gold TJRA amulet around their bronze, supple necks—like a warrior prince gliding majestically across the fertile plains of Orissa, his muscles taut, his eyes penetrating as the eyes of the tiger, of his prey, on a hunt in the fading orange light of dusk; a whisper in the wind, a crack, and then his knife at the beast’s throat; the beast’s teeth at his; two killers locked in an intimate dance for life itself; the eternal pulsing, pulsing through their veins in snychronicity until: sharpness, darkness, a low groan that’s heard but timeless, warm blood spilling onto his naked body as the beast goes limp—of their choice and nothing else.
• Those in Animation & Pornographic Services must completely shave their heads and all body hair and wear fun, casual sandals.
• Those in Product Development must expose one internal organ of choice.
• Those in Degradation Development are encouraged to wear a beach-themed shirt over their skeletons.
• Those in Initiatives & Counterinitiatives will be summarily murdered in a manner of their choice.*
That’s it, everyone! See you all on Ultra-Casual Friday and don’t forget to bring a coconut for the coconut swallowing contest.
*Must involve a sword and/or axe.